OMG.. What did I do.. LOL

We had said we were going to start in Sep. to get pregnant, but we decided that last month would be ok, SOO  we started ttc last month instead, but since we missed our "good" days last month we hit right on this month!! we are pregnant again!! What did we do?!?! AHHH Alex will be 18 months old  and Miguel 4, when this little one is born.

I just can't believe it. It seems so unreal to me. It's still real early and  since we had the miscarriage in June we are going to wait as long as we can, although I am just not so sure how long that will be.

I am was only 10 days past Ovulation, so early to find out, but since I only have a 26 day cycle, I was already 2 days late when I found out.

I just found out yesterday, and my tests are still light, So I am still waiting for the hormone to double and my tests to get darker.

Here is a pic of the one from last night.. Good news, they had gotten darker from the test I took in the Morning!



If you are a friend on Facebook, you have to keep it quite!!

temping... why even try??

I think Murphy is trying to tell me not to temp. Everything has just not been working out for me!!
I got my BBT and tried to start using it. Well the first night my Son decided that the time that I wanted to temp was going to mess with his sleep, so he work up about 30 mins before I was going to temp, so I couldn't do it that night
Then the next night I set my alarm for 430 since that's when it's going to work for me, BUT my phone stopped working.. I ended up waking up about an hour before hand and just took my temp then,  So Now I will be temping at 3 instead of 430 when I would be getting up, OK no biggie.. But since the lights are off and I can't see I go to rely on the memory setting that it has to look at what my temp was later... Ok so I mark that down on my chart. Next morning do the same thing, ONLY to realize that my temps two days in a row were the same... I thought it was odd, but it happened the last time we ttc'd, well Go the 3rd day, same temp yet again, So I check my Thermometer only to realize the feature is not working!! The whole reason I got that one is not working!! and now I am 3 days wasted!!
SO then I said well I guess I will just have to look at it then and write it down when I take it, so the next night I go to do that.. BUT yet again My son has other idea's.. although he had a reason, He was sick and woke up every half hour.. yeah I am not kidding when I say that!! So no temping that night!!
go to last night. I go to sleep, my son is sleeping, and my alarm is set for 430 (since I can cross out my 3 am temps) But what happens?? I missed the alarm, but not because I didn't hear it, but because I had a dream that I already took my temp, wrote it down, and everything in this dream, so when my alarm went off in real life I thought it messed up and went off again.. so I turned it off and went back to sleep without REALLY temping.
So now I sit here and wonder if the outside cosmic world is trying to tell me something!!  Should I listen, or should keep trying,   see where that takes me, or even if I will get a temp that is anywhere remotely correct.

waiting sucks!

 So here I am in the 2ww (two week wait) 10 days past ovulation. I am a total pee on a stick aholic, So I have been taking HPT's everyday ( I can because I have 100 hpt's)
This is our first cycle after the miscarriage, and our first cycle of "trying"
I am not sure what will come of it, but I know I don't really feel like it's going to happen, BUT yet I just can not stop myself from taking tests.


I have been praying for our rainbow, and I know in time we will get it. Lately I have saw the most beautiful one back on September 23rd, a few days before Ovulation happened, So I remain clam and took it as a sign, but like I said I don't have a good feeling since timing of intercourse was not well timed. We did it late Thursday night, and Ovulation supposedly happened on Sunday.. I guess only a few more days of waiting, and I should get my answer by the 10th when the dreaded AF arrives or not.

Fingers crossed!

Alex Ruger is 7 months old!!

Where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday that I was bringing my little 7lbs 4 ounce baby boy home. Now he is a 15lbs little crawler!! He is moving everywhere!! He loves to try to get the dog food.. yeah I keep forgetting he is mobile and not picking up the bowl when I am done feeding little miss Emma. He hasn't found the water bowl yet, but I guess it's just a matter of time, for now he just wants Emma's food.

As for food, he has pretty much decided that he pretty much just wants solid food throughout the day, He will nurse like 3 times through the day, then a few time at night (which is more just comfort nursing) He loves just about anything I give him... well that is only if it's something I will eat. He does not like baby food, maybe he doesn't like the texture, Miguel was the same way too. Pizza, bread, waffles, banana's and pancakes are his favorite things to eat.

Alex still finds his brother amusing, and loves Miguel for now.. Miguel Loves Alex, but is starting to find that sharing his toys is really not that fun now that Alex wants them.  Before, when it didn't matter to Alex it was ok because Alex could care less about having something in his hand. Now Miguel is finding that Alex wants the toys just as much as he does.

Pretty soon we will be thinking about baby proofing from a little walker, and then his 1st birthday.

stay away.....

I have been staying off the computer as much as possible. I had found myself Obsessing over pregnancy website, and getting down about everyone being pregnant.
It has helped, but I am still finding myself depressed. I also wanted to stay off of Facebook cause I know everyone doesn't want to see me consistently post about being depressed. I had to start taking my natural remedy for depression again. I am hoping I feel it soon. I just started two days ago, yet I forgot to take them yesterday. 
What helps is having people to keep me busy, My boys, My mom, My friends, anyone really. But it's great to have my mom or friend here as well because when Miguel starts to act up rather than it really stressing me out I have someone to help me.


I was so afraid this was going to happen. When Oscar and I first started talking about trying for our last baby in September, before the miscarriage before anything ever happened. I had said I was scared about a miscarriage sending me back  into a spiral in depression.  Well look at where I am. Maybe not the spiral I thought but I am sure back in my depression. I am trying to do what I can to get out of my funk.  Any suggestions are welcomed!

I am really needing to move on

I just feel like I am stuck going no where. I haven't really felt happy since this whole thing happened. My mom keeps pushing me to take antidepressants or something, but If I do, I can't and will not get pregnant on them!  and Getting pregnant is my issue.
I want to move forward, and right now I feel like I can't unless I see two line on that test.. but at the same time I understand I need to be happy for what I have. I have two healthy and handsome little boys. They are my world, but until I am happy I feel like they are not really getting their mommy.
This year has been nothing but depression for me. I felt great for what maybe 2 months before this happened again. My mom told me the other day she missed my smile. I miss it too!
I want to get away, but without extra money to do so, I am stuck in my rut. 
I am closing out my Facebook account for  a little bit, to see if that helps. I am always on the pregnancy websites, and I know that is not helping me at all.
I will be back on at some point, but for now I will be hiding my computer and trying my best to find things to do with my boys

Just one of those days

Today has been one of those days that I have been extremely sad over the m/c. I have been thinking about what I would be doing, what I would be thinking and little things like that. I am still spotting since the m/c so I have been obsessing over the fact that I won't get a period for a long while and thinking that It may not happen in September just for that fact. I have been using OPK's because I have heard if you O' then your period should be about 2 weeks from then. The line today is getting darker, but now I'm sitting here thinking that If I know I'm O'ing then what's going to stop me from wanting to try right now, But then I remember we can't try right now cause we are not even having sex (not that we don't want to but because Oscar's little member has a cut and we are trying to let it heal) So between thinking about when and if my period will show I have to worry about is Oscar member going to be healed in time for the big show? It's gotten me so down thinking about it possibly not happening. We will only be ttc for a few months, and if It doesn't happen I will most likely feel down up till we ttc again

"Good" news = sad

whoever knew that there was ever "good" news that could make someone so sad.
I got a phone call yesterday from my Dr's nurse with the results from my last batch of blood work.  She said "good news, your levels are at 3.5, so a normal reading. You won't need to get anymore blood work done"
 I was thinking, Really you call that good news? But I guess it's all over now and I can finally move on. Wait for the bleeding to stop, and wait for good ole AF so we can try again.
I am starting to feel like that TTC will never come. The nuse said it could be anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks before I start bleeding, than after I stop Anywhere from 4 to 10 before AF could show. So, my thought of TTC in September may not be a realitiy, but more of a "dream".  I need to stay positive and keep praying that AF shows sooner than later.

Still "pregnant"

I have been going through this whole Miscarrying process for over a month now. It is really getting on my nerves!
I was very upset, and devastated by it, but now I am just ready for it to be over with.
I never thought that I would ever want to see a pregnancy test turn negative before, and when this all started I didn't think I could handle seeing it negative. But with numbers going down then up and back down again I just want it to return to zero so we can move on.
I want to stop bleeding, and stop being reminded every time I go to the bathroom.

Pregnancy tests are confusing the hell out of me. Usually when your hcg is low the line is light, but it seems as my level decreased the line gets a little darker. They line is still faint on the test, but each one is a little darker than the next.

I have my next blood draw on Monday, I am really hoping by then they can officially say that I am not pregnant anymore. I just need to move on, get a period and start TTC in September.. then pray that it does not happen again.

crappy A$$ month of June

June... lets see. From the time of being a little girl, I ALWAYS loved June.. it was a time I looked forward to, School was out, the weather was nice, and MY BIRTHDAY!! 

We started this month on a bad note, and then things just kept getting worse. My dad's heart attack, although technically in May, it carried though till June, then the passing of both my Aunts  When they died it was almost like a black cloud following my family.

I then found out I was pregnant, but in the middle of miscarrying my precious baby. The situation surrounding it was all so odd. It really threw me thorough a loop. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was already in the middle of miscarrying. I had a normal cycle, then shortly after that started bleeding. I had been bleeding for 9 days at that point when my friend mentioned that it was odd that I would be bleeding for that long, well I was bleeding because I was miscarrying.. I took a test and prayed that there was not a 2nd line..It has been the only time in my life that I prayed I was not pregnant... not because I don't want another child, but because I knew what the outcome would be. When that 2nd line showed up I was crushed... I hadn't even had time to be excited about it, although It was probably better the way it happened.  My numbers were taken on Friday they were at a 68, then again on Monday which was when it was confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying when my numbers were now only a 47. Talk about blow to the stomach. I was praying that maybe a polyp has popped or something. I had not had any cramping, or any type of pain.
Anyways, I spoke with the Dr. she said I should wait 2 to 3 cycles before we try.. which was the plan to begin with. So we are on for September, that is if I am feeling up to it.

During all of this my mom is dealing with a physco lady My brothers friend had called and asked if he could stay with them for a little bit, while his mom had her freak out. During the middle of the night she called the house saying that my parents kidnapped him and that my mom was trying to kill my dad, and that my brother hit my mom, and all this other crap. She then posted it online somewhere, as well as leaving it on my parents voicemail. I keep telling my mom she needs to file a police report but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want this boy to end up with CPS, or anything like that. She also says that she is trying to help  me cope with my loss and that's why she hasn't done anything about it yet. I keep telling her it needs to be on file somewhere so there is some kind of record of it.

there is a list of other crap but for now I am going to leave it at that.

I can not wait for June to be over with!

life... in general

So a little bit about this month.. so far not turning out good, But I hope as we get closer to the end it will get better.
We start the month off in the hospital with my dad. He had a heart attack and stents put in. He was released and then re-admitted for Phenomena. He was there for 4 days with that. Two days after he was released my aunt (his sister) died of lymphoma. The crappy thing, no one bothered to call us to inform us. Five days after that my other aunt (his oldest sister) died. Her daughter called us the next day and told us about both of them passing. I am hoping thats the end of deaths for a while for our family!

As for the rest of the month there is good and some more bad. My good friend will be getting ready to TTC after a Vasectomy reversal.. I am super excited for her!!
Then I will be having an appointment with my dr to figure out my cycles so we can TTC in September.. so that is also exciting
and my 27th birthday is in there... depressing, but I am hoping to have some fun
Then my best friend is moving back home to TN.. I am really sad about that, but I know it's great news for her. Something she has been looking forward to for a long time.


We started doing schooling everyday with Miguel. We are just doing it little by little. encouraging learning activities, and incorporating learning into our everyday living. Miguel is even asking to do school work. So when he asks I will print out a paper and have him work on it.. they are fun for him, and he gets a sticker to put in his sticker book. I think he just wants the prize, but whatever works!!

Alex is sitting on his own now, for a good amount of time. Sometimes he gets excited about it and will throw himself back and will start laughing.
He loves his big brother, and gets a kick out of everything Miguel does.

 

Day 2 of homeschooling Pre-K

Day two was pretty much just getting our "classroom" together. We hung our alphabet charts our color charts, and other decorations around our play room. Miguel is asking to do pages out the work we got, so I have been letting hi do those throughout the day. He is getting into remembering the names of the colors if I get really excited for him. He loves that.. So lots of praise for the boy.
It seems like he learns like his mama.. he needs the attention to feel like what he is doing is actually meaning something to him.
We will be starting an everyday routine next week. I hope that he does good with that.

But this is some of the stuff we have been doing, at his request 

secrets!! hush hush

Oscar and I have been talking... while these are not official plans, just merely plans set out on the table as of now.
BUT, We have been talking about TTC #3 come September. 

Our thoughts behind this, is that having a baby due in the summer time would be the best timing for us birthday wise (for the baby and for us financially each year). While we have also thought about ttc next September, we are leaning towards having them closer than we had Miguel and Alex. The plan would be only to try for the months that would give us that summer baby.. Sep, Oct, & Nov.. so if it doesn't happen this year we will be waiting for our next chance, although I don't think that we will try next year, we just may be waiting for the year after that.

If I would have known that having a 3 year old is a lot harder than having a 2 year old, I would have push Oscar to TTC sooner than we did.
I would much rather have had a new baby and a 2 year old than having a new baby and a 3 year old.

But those are our unofficial plans that are in the works.

So for now I have to get my cycles on track since they have been off since having Alex. I have been following them closely for a few months, each cycle has been 25 days with a late ovulation. So I will be heading to the dr to get her to help regulate them.. woo whoo for #3!!

first day of pre-school activities

So I decided to home school Miguel, so I went to the home school book sale with my friend and got materials and a preschool curriculum to help assist me.. I spent $8 that day, and got all the books that I would need for pre-school.
I still need to go get supplies, like poster board, construction paper, glue, scissors, well that sort of stuff.

I started off today with something small that would get Miguel's attention into colors. He knows them, but can't remember the names when asked.

We cut out ice cream cones from construction paper and pasted RED  Ice cream we cut on the cone. I then asked him to find a few red items around the house and after he found a few red toys we sprinkled red glitter on his ice cream. He had a blast making his ice cream cone.. Tomorrow we will continue with Red but we will be making something to do with Apples.

I am still trying to find the groove of things.. So just as I go I will be following my curriculum and then tweak things as I go along to fit with our needs.. I will also be starting with the alphabet tomorrow as well.

School?

Today has been a good day. I have been thinking about it a lot lately, What would I do if something were to happen to my husband? What would I do to keep the bills paid, food on the table, and clothes on my children's backs?

My friend has talked about going back to school, so I listened to her about what she was going to do, and it sparked an interest in me, SO..THIS MAMA IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!
I want to be a physical therapist assistant. 

When I first told Oscar about the idea his first remark was "your going to leave me?" I guess because I want to add some income to our family, and make sure I have a secure future for myself and my children, just in case something did happen, It means that I am going to leave him. Yes it was out of the blue for him, I hadn't talked about school or jobs, and never once in my life ever imagined myself working after the babies were born.

So when I heard my friend talking about the physical therapist assistant I was intrigued and really thought that's what I would want to do. So I am now talking to Oscar about schooling and the details. So now on to new adventures!