I am really needing to move on

I just feel like I am stuck going no where. I haven't really felt happy since this whole thing happened. My mom keeps pushing me to take antidepressants or something, but If I do, I can't and will not get pregnant on them!  and Getting pregnant is my issue.
I want to move forward, and right now I feel like I can't unless I see two line on that test.. but at the same time I understand I need to be happy for what I have. I have two healthy and handsome little boys. They are my world, but until I am happy I feel like they are not really getting their mommy.
This year has been nothing but depression for me. I felt great for what maybe 2 months before this happened again. My mom told me the other day she missed my smile. I miss it too!
I want to get away, but without extra money to do so, I am stuck in my rut. 
I am closing out my Facebook account for  a little bit, to see if that helps. I am always on the pregnancy websites, and I know that is not helping me at all.
I will be back on at some point, but for now I will be hiding my computer and trying my best to find things to do with my boys

Just one of those days

Today has been one of those days that I have been extremely sad over the m/c. I have been thinking about what I would be doing, what I would be thinking and little things like that. I am still spotting since the m/c so I have been obsessing over the fact that I won't get a period for a long while and thinking that It may not happen in September just for that fact. I have been using OPK's because I have heard if you O' then your period should be about 2 weeks from then. The line today is getting darker, but now I'm sitting here thinking that If I know I'm O'ing then what's going to stop me from wanting to try right now, But then I remember we can't try right now cause we are not even having sex (not that we don't want to but because Oscar's little member has a cut and we are trying to let it heal) So between thinking about when and if my period will show I have to worry about is Oscar member going to be healed in time for the big show? It's gotten me so down thinking about it possibly not happening. We will only be ttc for a few months, and if It doesn't happen I will most likely feel down up till we ttc again

"Good" news = sad

whoever knew that there was ever "good" news that could make someone so sad.
I got a phone call yesterday from my Dr's nurse with the results from my last batch of blood work.  She said "good news, your levels are at 3.5, so a normal reading. You won't need to get anymore blood work done"
 I was thinking, Really you call that good news? But I guess it's all over now and I can finally move on. Wait for the bleeding to stop, and wait for good ole AF so we can try again.
I am starting to feel like that TTC will never come. The nuse said it could be anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks before I start bleeding, than after I stop Anywhere from 4 to 10 before AF could show. So, my thought of TTC in September may not be a realitiy, but more of a "dream".  I need to stay positive and keep praying that AF shows sooner than later.

Still "pregnant"

I have been going through this whole Miscarrying process for over a month now. It is really getting on my nerves!
I was very upset, and devastated by it, but now I am just ready for it to be over with.
I never thought that I would ever want to see a pregnancy test turn negative before, and when this all started I didn't think I could handle seeing it negative. But with numbers going down then up and back down again I just want it to return to zero so we can move on.
I want to stop bleeding, and stop being reminded every time I go to the bathroom.

Pregnancy tests are confusing the hell out of me. Usually when your hcg is low the line is light, but it seems as my level decreased the line gets a little darker. They line is still faint on the test, but each one is a little darker than the next.

I have my next blood draw on Monday, I am really hoping by then they can officially say that I am not pregnant anymore. I just need to move on, get a period and start TTC in September.. then pray that it does not happen again.