I just feel like I am stuck going no where. I haven't really felt happy since this whole thing happened. My mom keeps pushing me to take antidepressants or something, but If I do, I can't and will not get pregnant on them! and Getting pregnant is my issue.
I want to move forward, and right now I feel like I can't unless I see two line on that test.. but at the same time I understand I need to be happy for what I have. I have two healthy and handsome little boys. They are my world, but until I am happy I feel like they are not really getting their mommy.
This year has been nothing but depression for me. I felt great for what maybe 2 months before this happened again. My mom told me the other day she missed my smile. I miss it too!
I want to get away, but without extra money to do so, I am stuck in my rut.
I am closing out my Facebook account for a little bit, to see if that helps. I am always on the pregnancy websites, and I know that is not helping me at all.
I will be back on at some point, but for now I will be hiding my computer and trying my best to find things to do with my boys
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
"Good" news = sad
whoever knew that there was ever "good" news that could make someone so sad.
I got a phone call yesterday from my Dr's nurse with the results from my last batch of blood work. She said "good news, your levels are at 3.5, so a normal reading. You won't need to get anymore blood work done"
I was thinking, Really you call that good news? But I guess it's all over now and I can finally move on. Wait for the bleeding to stop, and wait for good ole AF so we can try again.
I am starting to feel like that TTC will never come. The nuse said it could be anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks before I start bleeding, than after I stop Anywhere from 4 to 10 before AF could show. So, my thought of TTC in September may not be a realitiy, but more of a "dream". I need to stay positive and keep praying that AF shows sooner than later.
I got a phone call yesterday from my Dr's nurse with the results from my last batch of blood work. She said "good news, your levels are at 3.5, so a normal reading. You won't need to get anymore blood work done"
I was thinking, Really you call that good news? But I guess it's all over now and I can finally move on. Wait for the bleeding to stop, and wait for good ole AF so we can try again.
I am starting to feel like that TTC will never come. The nuse said it could be anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks before I start bleeding, than after I stop Anywhere from 4 to 10 before AF could show. So, my thought of TTC in September may not be a realitiy, but more of a "dream". I need to stay positive and keep praying that AF shows sooner than later.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Still "pregnant"
I have been going through this whole Miscarrying process for over a month now. It is really getting on my nerves!
I was very upset, and devastated by it, but now I am just ready for it to be over with.
I never thought that I would ever want to see a pregnancy test turn negative before, and when this all started I didn't think I could handle seeing it negative. But with numbers going down then up and back down again I just want it to return to zero so we can move on.
I want to stop bleeding, and stop being reminded every time I go to the bathroom.
Pregnancy tests are confusing the hell out of me. Usually when your hcg is low the line is light, but it seems as my level decreased the line gets a little darker. They line is still faint on the test, but each one is a little darker than the next.
I have my next blood draw on Monday, I am really hoping by then they can officially say that I am not pregnant anymore. I just need to move on, get a period and start TTC in September.. then pray that it does not happen again.
I was very upset, and devastated by it, but now I am just ready for it to be over with.
I never thought that I would ever want to see a pregnancy test turn negative before, and when this all started I didn't think I could handle seeing it negative. But with numbers going down then up and back down again I just want it to return to zero so we can move on.
I want to stop bleeding, and stop being reminded every time I go to the bathroom.
Pregnancy tests are confusing the hell out of me. Usually when your hcg is low the line is light, but it seems as my level decreased the line gets a little darker. They line is still faint on the test, but each one is a little darker than the next.
I have my next blood draw on Monday, I am really hoping by then they can officially say that I am not pregnant anymore. I just need to move on, get a period and start TTC in September.. then pray that it does not happen again.
Friday, June 24, 2011
crappy A$$ month of June
June... lets see. From the time of being a little girl, I ALWAYS loved June.. it was a time I looked forward to, School was out, the weather was nice, and MY BIRTHDAY!!
We started this month on a bad note, and then things just kept getting worse. My dad's heart attack, although technically in May, it carried though till June, then the passing of both my Aunts When they died it was almost like a black cloud following my family.
I then found out I was pregnant, but in the middle of miscarrying my precious baby. The situation surrounding it was all so odd. It really threw me thorough a loop. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was already in the middle of miscarrying. I had a normal cycle, then shortly after that started bleeding. I had been bleeding for 9 days at that point when my friend mentioned that it was odd that I would be bleeding for that long, well I was bleeding because I was miscarrying.. I took a test and prayed that there was not a 2nd line..It has been the only time in my life that I prayed I was not pregnant... not because I don't want another child, but because I knew what the outcome would be. When that 2nd line showed up I was crushed... I hadn't even had time to be excited about it, although It was probably better the way it happened. My numbers were taken on Friday they were at a 68, then again on Monday which was when it was confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying when my numbers were now only a 47. Talk about blow to the stomach. I was praying that maybe a polyp has popped or something. I had not had any cramping, or any type of pain.
Anyways, I spoke with the Dr. she said I should wait 2 to 3 cycles before we try.. which was the plan to begin with. So we are on for September, that is if I am feeling up to it.
During all of this my mom is dealing with a physco lady My brothers friend had called and asked if he could stay with them for a little bit, while his mom had her freak out. During the middle of the night she called the house saying that my parents kidnapped him and that my mom was trying to kill my dad, and that my brother hit my mom, and all this other crap. She then posted it online somewhere, as well as leaving it on my parents voicemail. I keep telling my mom she needs to file a police report but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want this boy to end up with CPS, or anything like that. She also says that she is trying to help me cope with my loss and that's why she hasn't done anything about it yet. I keep telling her it needs to be on file somewhere so there is some kind of record of it.
there is a list of other crap but for now I am going to leave it at that.
I can not wait for June to be over with!
We started this month on a bad note, and then things just kept getting worse. My dad's heart attack, although technically in May, it carried though till June, then the passing of both my Aunts When they died it was almost like a black cloud following my family.
I then found out I was pregnant, but in the middle of miscarrying my precious baby. The situation surrounding it was all so odd. It really threw me thorough a loop. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was already in the middle of miscarrying. I had a normal cycle, then shortly after that started bleeding. I had been bleeding for 9 days at that point when my friend mentioned that it was odd that I would be bleeding for that long, well I was bleeding because I was miscarrying.. I took a test and prayed that there was not a 2nd line..It has been the only time in my life that I prayed I was not pregnant... not because I don't want another child, but because I knew what the outcome would be. When that 2nd line showed up I was crushed... I hadn't even had time to be excited about it, although It was probably better the way it happened. My numbers were taken on Friday they were at a 68, then again on Monday which was when it was confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying when my numbers were now only a 47. Talk about blow to the stomach. I was praying that maybe a polyp has popped or something. I had not had any cramping, or any type of pain.
Anyways, I spoke with the Dr. she said I should wait 2 to 3 cycles before we try.. which was the plan to begin with. So we are on for September, that is if I am feeling up to it.
During all of this my mom is dealing with a physco lady My brothers friend had called and asked if he could stay with them for a little bit, while his mom had her freak out. During the middle of the night she called the house saying that my parents kidnapped him and that my mom was trying to kill my dad, and that my brother hit my mom, and all this other crap. She then posted it online somewhere, as well as leaving it on my parents voicemail. I keep telling my mom she needs to file a police report but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want this boy to end up with CPS, or anything like that. She also says that she is trying to help me cope with my loss and that's why she hasn't done anything about it yet. I keep telling her it needs to be on file somewhere so there is some kind of record of it.
there is a list of other crap but for now I am going to leave it at that.
I can not wait for June to be over with!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
life... in general
So a little bit about this month.. so far not turning out good, But I hope as we get closer to the end it will get better.
We start the month off in the hospital with my dad. He had a heart attack and stents put in. He was released and then re-admitted for Phenomena. He was there for 4 days with that. Two days after he was released my aunt (his sister) died of lymphoma. The crappy thing, no one bothered to call us to inform us. Five days after that my other aunt (his oldest sister) died. Her daughter called us the next day and told us about both of them passing. I am hoping thats the end of deaths for a while for our family!
As for the rest of the month there is good and some more bad. My good friend will be getting ready to TTC after a Vasectomy reversal.. I am super excited for her!!
Then I will be having an appointment with my dr to figure out my cycles so we can TTC in September.. so that is also exciting
and my 27th birthday is in there... depressing, but I am hoping to have some fun
Then my best friend is moving back home to TN.. I am really sad about that, but I know it's great news for her. Something she has been looking forward to for a long time.
We started doing schooling everyday with Miguel. We are just doing it little by little. encouraging learning activities, and incorporating learning into our everyday living. Miguel is even asking to do school work. So when he asks I will print out a paper and have him work on it.. they are fun for him, and he gets a sticker to put in his sticker book. I think he just wants the prize, but whatever works!!
Alex is sitting on his own now, for a good amount of time. Sometimes he gets excited about it and will throw himself back and will start laughing.
He loves his big brother, and gets a kick out of everything Miguel does.
We start the month off in the hospital with my dad. He had a heart attack and stents put in. He was released and then re-admitted for Phenomena. He was there for 4 days with that. Two days after he was released my aunt (his sister) died of lymphoma. The crappy thing, no one bothered to call us to inform us. Five days after that my other aunt (his oldest sister) died. Her daughter called us the next day and told us about both of them passing. I am hoping thats the end of deaths for a while for our family!
As for the rest of the month there is good and some more bad. My good friend will be getting ready to TTC after a Vasectomy reversal.. I am super excited for her!!
Then I will be having an appointment with my dr to figure out my cycles so we can TTC in September.. so that is also exciting
and my 27th birthday is in there... depressing, but I am hoping to have some fun
Then my best friend is moving back home to TN.. I am really sad about that, but I know it's great news for her. Something she has been looking forward to for a long time.
We started doing schooling everyday with Miguel. We are just doing it little by little. encouraging learning activities, and incorporating learning into our everyday living. Miguel is even asking to do school work. So when he asks I will print out a paper and have him work on it.. they are fun for him, and he gets a sticker to put in his sticker book. I think he just wants the prize, but whatever works!!
Alex is sitting on his own now, for a good amount of time. Sometimes he gets excited about it and will throw himself back and will start laughing.
He loves his big brother, and gets a kick out of everything Miguel does.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Day 2 of homeschooling Pre-K
Day two was pretty much just getting our "classroom" together. We hung our alphabet charts our color charts, and other decorations around our play room. Miguel is asking to do pages out the work we got, so I have been letting hi do those throughout the day. He is getting into remembering the names of the colors if I get really excited for him. He loves that.. So lots of praise for the boy.
It seems like he learns like his mama.. he needs the attention to feel like what he is doing is actually meaning something to him.
We will be starting an everyday routine next week. I hope that he does good with that.
But this is some of the stuff we have been doing, at his request
It seems like he learns like his mama.. he needs the attention to feel like what he is doing is actually meaning something to him.
We will be starting an everyday routine next week. I hope that he does good with that.
But this is some of the stuff we have been doing, at his request
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